Read Chapters Three and Four in Kolin. Then do the following (your initial posting) and review the revisions made by two (2) other class members (your two response postings/peer reviews 250 words min):
Rewrite the following cover letter, remembering to use one of the basic formats of a business letter, including proper punctuation, capitalization, and placement of parts of a letter. Remember to emphasize the four guidelines of the “you” attitude (pages 108-112) using appropriate professional language and tone. Also, ensure that your purpose is clear and that your ideas are conveyed in an organized fashion, adding or deleting any information that will improve the cover letter according to Kolin’s guidelines. Your revision counts as your initial posting and is to be a minimum of 300 words.
January 27, 2020
your name
678 E. Apache Blvd.
Tempe, AZ 85282
(480) 555-2345
Disney Parks and Resorts
3 Queen Caroline Street, Hammersmith, London W6
London, England, United Kingdom
Dear Disney:
I am writing to find out about the Marketing Intern position (Job ID 616278BR) at your company, the posting for which I got on jobs.disneycareers.com on 27 January 2020. In May 2021, I will receive my B.S. degree in Marketing from Arizona State University and I am willing to relocate to London, England.
My academic training has prepared me well for a position such as the one you have posted. The position of Marketing Intern would be great for me because it could advance my career and allow me to network with others in the field. I have taken many courses in business and marketing in my four years of undergraduate training and am proficient in PC and Mac. Additionally I am good at verbal and written communication skills. Strong guest service skills. My GPA is 2.0 on a 4.0 scale, but I am working on it.
Working at Disneyland UK would be a great opportunity for me. Please get in touch with me to talk, but don’t call until after April. I have exams. I am available for interview at your convenience and look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for looking at my resume.
Sincerely Yours,
Your name
Post 1
KirylSheleg
678 E. Apache Blvd.
Tempe, AZ 85282
(480) 555-2345
January 27, 2020
Disney Parks and Resorts
3 Queen Caroline Street, Hammersmith, London W6
London, England, United Kingdom
Dear Disney:
I am thrilled to be applying for the Marketing Intern position (Job ID 616278BR) posted on your company website, jobs.disneycareers.com, on 27 January 2020. I’ll never forget all the wonderful experiences Disney products have brought me over the years. It would be an honor to use my Marketing degree from Arizona State University to attract customers to a company I hold to such a high regard. Furthermore, after a London visit I had multiple years ago, I have fallen in love with the city and would be very intrigued to relocate there.
I believe I am an excellent candidate for the position you have posted. The courses in business and marketing that I have taken have prepared me exceptionally for the duties listed in the posting. The academic projects I have engaged in have given me much experience in the field of marketing, and I would love to show you how I would translate them into my position at Disneyland. In addition, I would love to demonstrate how the part-time jobs I held throughout my undergraduate studies have fostered not only strong guest service skills, but also effective verbal communication skills as well. Over the course of my education, I have garnered proficiency in using a broad swath of both PC and Mac features. Compounded with my quick learning abilities, I would be able to grasp the responsibilities I would hold at Disney with great ease. Although my GPA falls below the recommended GPA for the posted position, I have demonstrated excellence in all of my major-specific courses over the past two years, as I have learned to balance work- and school-related duties.
Can we schedule an appointment in the next two weeks to discuss how my skillset would translate well into your Marketing Intern position, helping Disney reach a broader customer base? My email address is johndoe@email.com. You can also call me (555-555-5555) at home every weekday evening between 6pm and 9pm.
I am looking forward to hearing from you soon. Thank you in advance for reviewing my resume and considering me for this position.
Sincerely yours,
(My written signature)
KirylSheleg
Encl.: Resume
Word Count: 340
Hello Kiryl,
I think you did an awesome job at revising the cover letter. I saw your enthusiasm throughout your post and think you added some great details describing the desire for this job. I specifically liked that you mentioned the great memories that the Disney brand has brought you over the year. I believe you could have slightly expanded on your visit to London but understand that you probably did not want to overload your first paragraph with too much information. You mentioned the below average GPA and thought you handled the circumstances well without discrediting your intelligence level and did not allow it to negatively impact your pursuit of a Marketing degree. You could have trimmed the paragraph a little and added to your last line in the middle paragraph about your work life being a factor in your low GPA.
I also thought your paragraph of requesting an appointment to go over how your skillsets translate to this specific job was excellent and well said. Since the time zone is probably in London, your timeframe of requesting a phone call may work but if they were doing their hiring through the United States, I would imagine that you probably would not receive a phone call during these hours. It was probably the formatting through Canvas, but your spacing could be reduced in some portions of your cover letter.
Overall I thought this was really good and believe your enthusiasm about the job and the company highlighted you above what other candidates may have stated. Great job Kiryl.
Hi Kiryl! Looking at your revised cover letter inspired me to write mine. What I really loved about yours is that you talked about your personal experiences with both London and Disneyland. This shows that you are not just trying to find a job. You are showing your future potential employers that if they hired you, then you would be an intern who is passionate and interested in the company.
As for the GPA part, I do not know if your explanation would help the employers disregard your low GPA. If you have a good reason for having a low GPA, then maybe state it in the letter. However, if there is no good reason, then try to come up with an explanation that would still have the employers believing that you will be competent at your job.
At the end of your letter, I would not start the sentence with immediately scheduling an appointment. By doing that, I think you are assuming that you will get the interview, which can make you come off as being arrogant. I believe the first sentence in the third paragraph should be “if you are interested in interviewing me…”. This phrase shows that you are humble because you know you may not have a chance of getting an interview while being kind and considerate to the employer, which may help you increase your chances for an interview.
Overall, I really liked you revision! Keep up the good work.
Word Count: 245
Post 2
January 27, 2020
Michael Nguyen
678 E. Apache Blvd.
Tempe, AZ 85282
(480)555-2345
Disney Parks and Resorts
3 Queen Caroline Street, Hammersmith, London W6
London, England, United Kingdom
Dear Disney:
I want to apply for the Marketing Intern position (Job ID 616278BR) that I found on your company website, on.jobs.disneycareers.com. I will be graduating with a marketing degree in May 2021 from Arizona State University, which I can use to attract customers by telling them all of the benefits of going to Disneyland in London. Growing up, I have had many wonderful experiences and bought many souvenirs at Disneyland. Once I visited in London and fell in love with the city, I found that this intern position will combine my love of London and Disneyland.
I believe the courses I have taken for my marketing degree has prepared me to be an excellent candidate for this position because they have prepared me to apply my skills in any company. During my undergraduate years, I was involved in jobs that not only helped me be proficient in PC and Mac, but also allowed me to develop my skills in communication and guest services. I know my GPA is below average for the position, but I assure you that I am a hard worker who is willing to be a good intern, which I hope can outweigh my mediocre GPA. As someone who always tries their hardest, I promise you that my friendly attitude and knowledge of technology will allow me to fulfill my duties effectively and efficiently. My hard-working personality and love for Disneyland and London will help me become a spectacular intern.
If you are interested in considering me as an intern, then you can call me at (480)555-2345 or email me at michaelnguyen@gmail.com within the next week. I would love to talk with you about possibly working here. If you can not reach me on my mobile number, then you can also call me at 480-867-5309 any day of the week from 6 pm to 10 pm.
I am looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you for looking over my resume and considering me for this position.
Sincerely Yours,
(My written signature)
Michael Nguyen
Word Count: 335
Hey Michael,
Great post! I loved that you mentioned how you loved Disney growing up right from the get-go, setting a warm tone and indicating your excitement for why you want to be at Disney as opposed to any other marketing internship. I also think it was beneficial for you to mention that you would enjoy working in London. These two points, stated clearly right from the start, could potentially sway a hiring manager to your side before you even begin describing your qualifications, thus increasing your chances of getting hired.
I would like to offer you a few suggestions that could strengthen your candidacy for the position. In your second paragraph, when you are describing your qualifications, I think it is always beneficial to tie them into what value you could add to the company. You mention that you have gained communication and guest service skills, but how will that translate to your internship at Disney? When in doubt about what to say, try getting into the shoes of the hiring manager and asking the all too common question: “what’s in it for me?”. This might make it easier to synthesize sentences that are directly targeting your audience’s (i.e. hiring manager) desires.
I truly believe that you’ve written about everything a manager needs to know to hire you! A lot of professional writing just comes down to presentation. For the same reason that it’s better to call yourself “unwavering” rather than “stubborn” when describing your weaknesses in an interview, try to avoid putting too much spotlight on your low GPA by describing how you’ve overcome your academic struggles in spite of it.
However, like I said, overall a great post that could be fantastic with a few semantic revisions.
Kiryl
Word Count: 285
Post 3
January 27, 2020
Payton Gronsky
678 E. Apache Blvd.
Tempe, AZ 85282
(480) 555-2345
Disney Parks and Resorts
3 Queen Caroline Street, Hammersmith, London W6
London, England, United Kingdom
Dear Disney:
On January 27th, 2020 I applied for the Marketing Intern position (Job ID 616278BR) at your company, found on jobs.disneycareers.com (Links to an external site.). Thank you for giving me this opportunity to apply my knowledge and skills at such a highly regarded company. I believe this would be an excellent use of my recently obtained Marketing degree from Arizona State University. Disney has always been a huge part of my life and has given me some of my most cherished childhood memories. As for London, England, I often take trips here in the winter, and have fallen in love with the city. If chosen, this internship will supply me with two of my most adored places in the world.
I strongly believe that I am the ideal candidate for the position posted and that my academic training has thoroughly prepared me well for a position such as this. I would be honored to be able to translate my business and marketing skills into an intern position at Disney. During my time as an undergraduate, I have become proficient in PC and Mac technology. I believe this would be of great use at Disneyland UK, along with my many other learned skills from my time at Arizona State University. Although my GPA does not meet the requirement for the position, I demonstrate fast learning skills, extensive guest service experience, verbal, and written communication skills.
Working at Disneyland UK would be an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity. Please let me know if we could set up an interview at your convenience to discuss the position. You may call me at (480) 555-2345 or email pgronsky@gmail.com. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely Yours,
(My written signature)
Payton Gronsky
word count: 321
Hey Payton,
Great post! I loved how you mentioned both your desire to work at Disney and to relocate to London, giving good reasons for both. You also did a good job mentioning all the different skill sets you gained from your studies that would be useful in your marketing position.
I do have some suggestions to make your cover letter as immaculate as possible to help you land that internship! Although you did a good job describing the position you’re applying to in your first sentence, it set too formal of a tone for your letter, which you want to avoid like the plague (imagine how many times a hiring manager reads this in a day). I also think it’s best to avoid the words “for giving me this opportunity”, since you have not been given an opportunity (as of yet).
Instead of going more into the itty-gritty details of what to change in your letter (I’m sure you’re amazing but don’t call yourself “ideal”!), I think it’s best to take a step back and consider how your letter would come off to a hiring manager. The last thing you want is to appear as a desperate newly-grad frantically searching for any job. Instead, the rhetoric you use can immensely impact the hiring manager’s perception of you as a confident individual that actually wants to work at the company. Just consider why someone would say their grandfather “passed away” rather than “hit the bucket”. You conveyed the exact same meaning in two completely different ways.
The best advice I could give you would be to always consider your audience, focusing on their desires as opposed to yours. Instead of saying that working at Disney would be an amazing opportunity for you, describe how you would be an amazing asset to your employer (increasing sales, decreasing the cost of marketing, etc.).
Great post overall, but hope these tips will help you when an actual job is on the line!
Kiryl
Word Count: 320
Post 4 Example
27 January 2020
Navahn Kamal
678 E. Apache Blvd.
Tempe, AZ 85282
(480) 555-2345
Disney Parks and Resorts
3 Queen Caroline Street, Hammersmith, London, W6
London, England, United Kingdom
Dear Disney,
I am writing you in regards to the Marketing Intern position (Job ID 616278BR) found on your company website, jobs.disneycareers.com, on January 27, 2020. I will be graduating Arizona State University in May 2021 with my B.S. in Marketing. I would be honored to use my degree and knowledge for one of the greatest companies in the world who excels in creating special memories and experiences for all their guests. I have also spent time visiting London throughout my life and relocating here would put me in the two places I am most passionate about, London and Disneyland.
My education, training, and experience has provided me with the tools, skills, and knowledge necessary to thrive in this marketing position. Throughout my career, I have taken courses in business and marketing and I have obtained skills in both PC and Mac computers. Throughout my work as an undergraduate student, I have acquired excellent written and verbal communication skills which, coupled with my past job experiences, has translated into great guest service and interpersonal skills. While my GPA may be below what is recommended for this position, I believe my excellent communication, guest service, and computer skills would make me a perfect fit at Disneyland.
Working at Disneyland UK would an amazing experience and I believe I will be a great addition to the Disney team! Please let me know when you would like to setup an interview. My phone number is 480-555-2345 and my email address is navahnkamal@gmail.com.
I look forward to hearing from you soon and thank you very much for your time and consideration for this position.
Sincererly,
(My Written Signature)
Your Name
word count: 303